Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

I received your message, or rather your proposition. Seeing as you used some totally bogus e-mail address to write to me, you leave me no other choice but to respond here. Maybe the only clue from the e-mail as to who you are is that you have a Verizon Wireless Blackberry (It appears to be from an automatic signature, but may not necessarily be so) but that doesn't matter, nor do I have any desire to start polling people to find out who has a blackberry with Verizon. It just won't do any good.

Now I can understand where you're coming from, I'm on the market, I'm available, so why not start dating the person you suggested? But that of course is only implied in what you said, your real argument is in the one and only sentence in the e-mail, that says: "She's totally got the hots for you." Yeah, I get what you're saying, there's a cute girl who I get along with alright, we're pretty good friends, and she has the hots for me apparently, so why shouldn't I go out with her?

I mean, it seems a valid enough reason to go out with a girl right? I mean, what rational guy wouldn't go for something like that? (For the record, I am anything but rational) But, no offense to the girl with whom you wish me to date, I digress and admit that most likely such a thing will not occur.

Now you, and probably the girl in question are most likely wondering why, why I won't go out with her. Well, I'll answer you in this!:

Nanti's Guide As to Why You, or Anyone Else, Should Not Date Him

  1. Think of the Children. I'm not really responsible to take care of them, in fact they'd probably grow up to be punk anarchists bent on bringing civilization to it's knee's, regardless of how good their mother is. And with the girl in question, well the odds are highly likely that we'd raise our kids to be ruthless dictators bent on conquering the world.

  2. I'm Crazy. No, really. Ask anyone. I am totally bonkers. That may be one reason why the girl in question has the supposed 'hots' for me, that she's attracted to strange creepers, such as I, but that's not really healthy for any kind of relationship really.

  3. My Asthma. Yes I do have asthma. Heavy laughter actually triggers it. I'm likely to die in my early thirties because of asphyxiation due to a collapsed lung while laughing, and with the young lady in question, I'd probably die before I hit 27. And no one needs the grief of indirectly killing me. Unless of course you are after my vast fortune, which coincidentally doesn't exist. I guess I could be down with that.

  4. On a somewhat logical note, I am taking independent study courses, and behind in the schedule I have set for myself. I don't really have to time to really dedicate to any type of relationship.

  5. I have no job at the moment. This doesn't bode well for any relationship. So I have no shiny monies to which pamper the girl in question. Or even take her out. I guess she could pay, but she undoubtedly has plans for all that well-gotten gain. Who am I to let her spend it on me?

  6. Summer plans. The girl in question has summer plans of one sort or another, so even a Mormon summer fling would be out. (Not that I would have one anyway.) I will still have my independent study courses and hopefully a job, so I'll be busy.

  7. Monastic Vows. Due to recent events, I've decided to find a monastery that will permit me to go out on dates with the female variety, but not steadily date them. So once that order of monks is found, any relationship will surely interfere with my monastic duties.

  8. Personal Issues. Things such as procrastinating, low self esteem and other such things make for a boring guy. I'd hate to bore anyone by being a stick in the mud

  9. Destiny. I've checked, the stars are against any such union, with anyone. It is written in the stars for me to be a single bachelor for the foreseeable future. Going against the stars will surely bring about Ragnarok, the Apocalypse and every other end-of-the-world prediction; all working in union and harmony for maximum destruction. It would make most people unhappy if such were to occur.

  10. Cause a little birdie told me not to. How much more of a reason do I need?

  11. My alternate personality likes raw fish, is an introvert and likes jewelry, specifically gold rings forged in volcanoes. It wouldn't work, trust me.

  12. I am a soulless abomination. Ok, maybe I'm not an abomination, yet. But I am soulless. It was placed in a flask and whisked away by a small four year old girl, who has taken it who knows where. This will surely create conflicts in the years to come.

  13. Zombies. I'm not sure why zombies don't want me to date anyone, but they don't. It's best to not ask questions

So there you have it, at least twelve reasons why you shouldn't date me. If you need more, ask Chilly. She can probably think of a lot more reasons as to why not go out with me, so if you don't trust my word, I call her as a witness to my madness if needs be.
So in short, don't do it. You'll be a lot more happy and healthier without going out with me, and that's a fact. Even the surgeon general recommends avoiding such things with me, and would you want to go against the suggestions of a such a highly regarded health professional? I thought not.


Jessica said...

Thoughts in no particular order:

#1: Don't sell yourself so short Jeff. :\

#2: At least you will go out laughing.

#3: When did I become a small 4-year-old girl?

#4: A layered vanilla cake, with fluffy cream cheese frosting between the two layers, and pink sweet frosting and sliced strawberrys on top would be a dream come true right now. :D

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Well, you stuffed my soul into the flask Jessica, but it was the four year old girl who ran off with it.

Yeah I'm combining inside jokes, which I guess is worrisome if two groups of friends joke about my soul like that? Either way, my soul cannot be found.

As far as selling my self short, I guess if I were successful in #1, then the children really would take over the world. So that could be fun.

And remember, it's Sam here.

Natasha said...

J-- Sam. Very cute. Adorable, really.