Horcrux Selection

Earlier this week Kate blogged about what her horcruxes would be, assuming that she were a homicidal wizard bent on immortality.

And I thought I would do the same. But in order to best help you understand my choice of Horcrux selections, you need to understand that if I were a dark wizard bent on immortality, I wouldn't use blood or muggles as a rallying cry. I'd just be evil. And as a muggle and lover of technology, that would need to be part of my wizard self too, a dark wizard knowledgeable about muggle technology.

So, here is my choice selection:

1. A network server. Well, to further elaborate it would be a host of network servers that link to each other with a hard line, wirelessly, or satellite signal. Basically it'd be designed so that the horcrux magic of it isn't just in one location, but depending on the danger can transfer itself to different parts of the network. Plus the added bonus of corrupting google bots and people's computers. Given enough time, it may just infiltrate the whole internet.

2. A telescope\satellite. It doesn't matter which one, just one in Space. How many wizard are capable of going into Outer Space anyways? My point precisely. No wizard could destroy it. Plus, I'd have the added bonus of being able to spy on my enemies from space.

3. A Lord of the Rings book. Nothing more to be said, just a huge fan of it.

4. A top hat. And not just any top hat, but a vintage top hat from the 18th century. Because top hats are just awesome. And it'd be able to give the Sorting Hat a run for its money.

5. So there isn't an appropriate image for this, but as I like programming, I'd place my fifth horcux inside a programming language library. If I choose Java for example, I'd infiltrate Oracle and place my horcrux in the download location for the language libraries in the code itself. Yes, it sounds complicated, but I am a wizard, if Voldemort can learn to fly then surely I can enchant some muggle programming to hold a horcrux. Which changes bits of the programming library to suit its needs and help grant me control over the muggle world.

6. I am also interested in Fencing, so thus a rapier or some other fencing weapon would only be appropriate. Course, the weapon may turn on you if it doesn't like you, but that is a risk to try and use a fencing sword.

7. Last is something different. You know how there are magical portraits of wizards who hold the memories and personality of whom they were painted? I'd do the same. I get my magical portrait taken, but with multiple frames (like how Phineas Nigellus Black can go from his portrait in Hogwarts to the one in the Black family home). I'd kill the artist and imbue my portrait self with the horcrux. Not the actual frame or portrait itself, but the image of me. That can change locations.

So yeah. If you want to kill my evil wizard self off permanently, you have a lot of work in store for you. Not that I would stick to 7, that's more Voldemort's thing. I may choose to have more or may have less. But if I were to pick 7, these would be it.

Dear Rob Pattison

No matter where you run, or who you play, you can never escape the wrath of Lord Voldemorte:

Use The Force Meme

So you know that Facebook meme that go around telling you put as your status the 5th sentence of the 56th page of the nearest book to you? Well a friend sort of linked me to, and I decided to look at the sentence to see what it says.

So, with slight editing to make it fit, my status would be, 'Sam, the Nanti-SARRMM lets people know what he wants them to do or think.'

Original sentence is 'Let people know what you want them to do or think.'

All this from my English technical communications textbook.

I think this explains my random statements of wanting to take over the world. School has incited me to do it.

So if I do take over the world, we only have the school system to blame.

World War One Angst

I've been reading about World War One today, and been commenting on Twitter some things I noticed and ranted about concerning that war. I'll post my comments for you here to read:

"I think the well-to-do were high off something in the early 1900's."

"The cause of WWI lowers my view of the human race."

"Gosh people are stupid. WWI breaks out and people cheer with parades and waving of their flags."

"France: Oh lets throw our brightly colored troops at Germany in half-hearted effort to cross it's border w/o knowing their war preparations"

"You know... if you're going to go to war, be more creative than throwing your army at the other one hoping the other side has less men."

"Britain acts smartly in WWI, they subvert the Ottoman Empire from within, starting an internal power struggle."

"And then complications arise, namely the Balfour Declaration."

"And here I thought French and German tactics were stupid. But then I find out that Russian Generals sent their troops unarmed into battle."

Ha! The February revolution started in March!

@luvlyssa "And the Feb Revolution started in March for the Gregorian calendar, but February in the old Russian calendar."

"Back to reading the biased textbook story of the Russian Revolution under the Bolsheviks."

"Why was the old Russian Calendar 13 days behind ours?"

"Treaty of Brest-Litosvsk signed March 3, 1918 creating independent republics such as Latvia; birthplace of Dr. Doom."

"Idea: We'll make a peace treaty with just Britain, USA and France, ignoring other countries like Italy who helped us in the war. Sound good?"

"You know, you think everybody would have had enough death after WWI, but no. You give Russian Revolutionaries weapons and 3 million more die"

So yeah. Basically the Austrian heir to the throne gets knocked off by a Serbian, Austrians are ticked and Germany thinking it has the best and biggest stick on the continent encourages Austria to declare war on Serbia. Russia, thinking they are Serbia's big brother, declares war on Austria and drags France with it since they are allied. Germany then declares war, thinking it can defeat France quick enough to move onto Russia and that Britain won't join in quickly. They're wrong. Millions die. America finally joins and Germany is defeated. They devise a treaty that is a failure for not punishing anyone or causing reconciliation. Festering wounds ensue. Everybody are idiots. British slightly redeemed cause they caused the political downfall of the Ottoman Empire. Causing to fall from within.
Then influenza kills millions, and Russian civil war causes famine and disease, helped along by France, Britain and the USA and millions more die. Such distasteful ways at ruling the world. They receive a D- for their inability to govern the world.

What a joyful period isn't it?

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

I received your message, or rather your proposition. Seeing as you used some totally bogus e-mail address to write to me, you leave me no other choice but to respond here. Maybe the only clue from the e-mail as to who you are is that you have a Verizon Wireless Blackberry (It appears to be from an automatic signature, but may not necessarily be so) but that doesn't matter, nor do I have any desire to start polling people to find out who has a blackberry with Verizon. It just won't do any good.

Now I can understand where you're coming from, I'm on the market, I'm available, so why not start dating the person you suggested? But that of course is only implied in what you said, your real argument is in the one and only sentence in the e-mail, that says: "She's totally got the hots for you." Yeah, I get what you're saying, there's a cute girl who I get along with alright, we're pretty good friends, and she has the hots for me apparently, so why shouldn't I go out with her?

I mean, it seems a valid enough reason to go out with a girl right? I mean, what rational guy wouldn't go for something like that? (For the record, I am anything but rational) But, no offense to the girl with whom you wish me to date, I digress and admit that most likely such a thing will not occur.

Now you, and probably the girl in question are most likely wondering why, why I won't go out with her. Well, I'll answer you in this!:

Nanti's Guide As to Why You, or Anyone Else, Should Not Date Him

1. Think of the Children. I'm not really responsible to take care of them, in fact they'd probably grow up to be punk anarchists bent on bringing civilization to it's knee's, regardless of how good their mother is. And with the girl in question, well the odds are highly likely that we'd raise our kids to be ruthless dictators bent on conquering the world.


2. I'm Crazy. No, really. Ask anyone. I am totally bonkers. That may be one reason why the girl in question has the supposed 'hots' for me, that she's attracted to strange creepers, such as I, but that's not really healthy for any kind of relationship really.


3. My Asthma. Yes I do have asthma. Heavy laughter actually triggers it. I'm likely to die in my early thirties because of asphyxiation due to a collapsed lung while laughing, and with the young lady in question, I'd probably die before I hit 27. And no one needs the grief of indirectly killing me. Unless of course you are after my vast fortune, which coincidentally doesn't exist. I guess I could be down with that.


4. On a somewhat logical note, I am taking independent study courses, and behind in the schedule I have set for myself. I don't really have to time to really dedicate to any type of relationship.


5. I have no job at the moment. This doesn't bode well for any relationship. So I have no shiny monies to which pamper the girl in question. Or even take her out. I guess she could pay, but she undoubtedly has plans for all that well-gotten gain. Who am I to let her spend it on me?


6. Summer plans. The girl in question has summer plans of one sort or another, so even a Mormon summer fling would be out. (Not that I would have one anyway.) I will still have my independent study courses and hopefully a job, so I'll be busy.


7. Monastic Vows. Due to recent events, I've decided to find a monastery that will permit me to go out on dates with the female variety, but not steadily date them. So once that order of monks is found, any relationship will surely interfere with my monastic duties.


8. Personal Issues. Things such as procrastinating, low self esteem and other such things make for a boring guy. I'd hate to bore anyone by being a stick in the mud


9. Destiny. I've checked, the stars are against any such union, with anyone. It is written in the stars for me to be a single bachelor for the foreseeable future. Going against the stars will surely bring about Ragnarok, the Apocalypse and every other end-of-the-world prediction; all working in union and harmony for maximum destruction. It would make most people unhappy if such were to occur.


10. Cause a little birdie told me not to. How much more of a reason do I need?


11. My alternate personality likes raw fish, is an introvert and likes jewelry, specifically gold rings forged in volcanoes. It wouldn't work, trust me.


12. I am a soulless abomination. Ok, maybe I'm not an abomination, yet. But I am soulless. It was placed in a flask and whisked away by a small four year old girl, who has taken it who knows where. This will surely create conflicts in the years to come.


13. Zombies. I'm not sure why zombies don't want me to date anyone, but they don't. It's best to not ask questions

So there you have it, at least twelve reasons why you shouldn't date me. If you need more, ask Chilly. She can probably think of a lot more reasons as to why not go out with me, so if you don't trust my word, I call her as a witness to my madness if needs be.
So in short, don't do it. You'll be a lot more happy and healthier without going out with me, and that's a fact. Even the surgeon general recommends avoiding such things with me, and would you want to go against the suggestions of a such a highly regarded health professional? I thought not.

Would You Let Me Control the World for a Klondike Bar?

The other day a friend of mine had as his status in facebook as "Would you take over the world for a Klondike bar?" and it got me thinking how Klondike bars could be key to global domination.

Think about it, all the commercials for the delicious bar have the person doing something extreme just to get one Klondike Bar, which sets a precedent of behavior to conquer the world.

First off the person who enacts this plan has to have majority control over Klondike to up production, and at the same time limit sales, so only few Klondikes that are made are sent throughout the world. Or the person would need enough money to buy almost all the Klondike Bars that are made to increase their value, and will cause demand to go up.

So for example in the United States there would be few Klondike bars sold to make them seem rare to buy, while at the same time send truckloads to countries that don't know what a Klondike Bar is, with the same advertising as in the United States and once Klondikes are common there, decrease sales there increase worth as in the USA.

So for those countries that now view the Klondike as rare and in high demand, set up Klondike parties throughout those countries, like a day at the fair or something, and give out Klondikes if the person will sign a legally binding but seemingly harmless document stating that they approve that me, or whoever decides to enact this plan, as being a global leader.

So thought this plan will take a while to go into fruition, eventually you should have nearly 6 billion signatures, all legally binding, from most, if not all, countries in the world, giving you permission to control the world. And all for a Klondike bar.

So if you start noticing a deficit in Klondike Bars... well, don't sign anything hastily, unless of course I'm telling you to.