Friday, January 16, 2009

Mystery Meats

I feel the truth must to told, I can no longer remain silent. The world must know, so at least it can get in on the goods. I risk breaking confidences, but hopefully I'll survive.

Last Sunday, January 11th, I was speaking with two employees of Macey's, located in Orem, and it came to my attention that their deli section secretly sells 110% grade A human meat! It's not on display or anything of course, but that's so the health inspectors don't close them down. But it is the truth.

Now before I divulge this information, if you happen to be a health inspector, beware. Even though you will give out this information, the employees there can smell a health inspector the moment he enters the store, so be forewarned that those associates of yours who decided to go on vacation at the last minute and haven't been seen in a while are actually the best meat sold in Macey's deli.

Now that you are properly forewarned, I will divulge the secret to viewing the secret stache of meat. When you go to the deli, preferably in the evening, you need to ask, "What do you have that tastes like chicken?" The employee will most likely suggest some product made of chicken, just in case you really wanted chicken. You then have to ask for something that tastes like chicken, but with opposable thumbs. With that, they'll ask a few more questions, just for looks so no one gets suspicious, and then will invite you to the back locker where the human meat is stored.

Also, a warning, asking too much questions may make you the next meal of the day. As their inventory is always changing, they don't have a precise menu that can be given, but they do have vast collections of seasoning and hair, so if you want some meat of the red-headed variety, that can easily be accomplished.

So if you ever desire to taste exquisite 110% grade-A human meat, you know where to find it.

Also some suggestions, librarians always taste a little stale and emo kids taste horrible. Something about their attitude and outlook on life, not to mention fashion sense, permeates the skin until it tastes like soggy bat wings. The desperate CEO flavor is very rich with flavor, in fact they are strangely overstocked with it. They even include little golden parachutes too to go with the meal.

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