Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In, or of, Mazes

Yes, you're probably all tired of hearing me gripe and whatnot of my life. Or those people knew to my blog, don't worry about it! Or, read the archives. Your choice.

Anywho, last night I have the experience to go to one of the corn mazes in Utah Valley for an FHE activity. And truth be told, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. Not because I don't like corn mazes, it was my first time actually, but just that as soon as plans started forming to go to a corn maze, I knew that while others would have fun, I probably wouldn't. I thought I wouldn't have fun because everyone would would into smaller groups with whom they are most comfortable and enjoy each others company all the more, while I'd be on the fringe, or alone.

And did it happen? Yeah, of course it did. But not because of anything anyone else did, but because of my attitude. I expected to be on the edge of participation, so when it started happening, I went with it. I wandered off and explored the maze by myself for parts of the time. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would notice or care. Most didn't actually. Or at least no one at the time said anything. I just walked alone, or with others, stuck in my own thoughts.

But you see, that's my fault. I let it happen. I went expecting that be social I just had to be there, expecting it occur naturally. I didn't realize this at the time because I was making myself feel too miserable and all, thinking "Oh woe is me", but it occurred later. In fact, when riding back home, some people asked where I went, that they were following me and then they lost me. you see, I didn't even realize anyone actually was aware of me being there. Heck, I didn't participate, I didn't talk much or join in their laughter, which was a real shame.

So, what am I getting at? I'm saying that I'm my own worst Eskimo. Here these past few months I've been hesitant to getting to know some certain girls, because it seemed that they were distant from me, because I was always on the fringe of the group. But looking at from the perspective of the maze, I've been the aloof one, I've been the distant one. Sure maybe others could have done stuff to include me, but who is to say that I would have gone along with it? I'm not sure I would have honestly, just because of how I have been feeling.

So what does this mean? Obviously, it means not to take myself too seriously. That if I get into one of my lonely moods, I just need to go and talk and hang out with some people. Not worry or gripe about being shy.

So yes, this is a new resolution for me, to stop worrying about being social and just go out and do it! It's like with the top hattedness, I just need to be my goofy friendly self, and not an outlier. That path leads to darkness and wailing of teeth.

So, if you see me complain, or I complain more about being shy (unless maybe there's an actual reason, maybe?), call me on it. Tell me to stop being a whiner.

So hopefully this is a step in the right direction. I certainly hope so.

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