Maybe, Just Maybe

Maybe there is a reason?
Maybe, just maybe?

A reason I don't call like I should?
ask for a second date?
or even flirt like I could?

A reason to not know others?
To keep them at arms distance?
To not get involved?

Do I want to deal with it again?

The pain?
The tears?
The anguish?

Do I want to begin something
that is destined to end?
That won't go the distance?
That will end in pain?

Am I protecting myself?
Or in doing so, am I hurting myself more?

Am I doing myself a favor,
By being flaky?
By not committing?
By letting things slide?
By not opening up?

Would it be worth it,
To try again?
To open my heart?
To give it a chance?
To try to love?

Do I want to go that path?
When memories ripple up from the past?
When I see the rifts and the sadness?
When friendship is lost?

When things seemed great till the end?
When the answer was no?
When that answer caused so much,
Pain?
Grief?
Sorrow?

While in the same city,
a terrible chasm splits us?
When the sight of each other
brings back those memories?

When once we had such happiness?
But now we only have silenced pain?
When we had the future to look toward?
But is now far different than we imagined?

Hadn't the time buried such feelings?
Only to spring up again at a time like this?
Why such a shallow covering?
Why does this persist?

Do I just wear a mask to cover my pain?
Or did I think I had healed?
Or is it some third option?

But was it for naught?
Was it a waste of time?
A waste of memories?

When I still
Remember her face?
The twinkle in her eyes?
The smell of her hair?
The sound of her laugh?
Of being together?
Of the first date?
The first kiss?
The stuffed animal I gave?

Was it all for naught?
Do I regret it?
Do I think it was a waste of time?'
No, no it wasn't.

But what now?
Do I want to move on?
Do I want to see someone new?
Someone to hug, to kiss, to hold, to love?

Is my heart in it?
Or do I do it because I should?
Am I just playing games with my heart?

Do I really even care?
Do I want to find someone new?
Does my heart want to open up again?
To drop the iron curtain?
I suppose?

But when?
When do I want to try a hand at love again?
When will I express my feelings?
When I've been to scared?
When I've settled on friendship?
And haven't made my feelings clear?

When I will go out of my way just to say hi?
To see the light in her eyes?
To see her smile?
To laugh at her jokes?
To be her friend?

But what if it is then too late?
That when I decide to act,
That she will have found someone else?
Do I want to think of what might have been?
If I had but taken the initiative to ask?

So what now you ask?
Will I take the initiative?
Will I let my heart heal?
Will I go out of my way just to see her?
To make her smile?
To be her friend?
To catch that gleam in her eye?
To put my heart in the line?
And not have to wonder at what might have been?

Maybe that is reason to act?
Maybe it is, maybe, just maybe.