Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Twilight Dating Plan

As everyone is probably well aware, many females now want their own female Edward, and are disappointed because guys are not more like him. Instead of deciding to argue at how I perceive the books to be poorly written, I will instead embrace what others want in a man to be the best romantic that I can be. It will be a chance to improve myself.

So first off, We have our subject Edward. Analyzing him physically, we know that he is cold to the touch, extremely hard like concrete, Golden eyes when not hungry, black when hungry (or red if Edward happened to taste human blood). He is super strong, and super fast, and can read most minds, except Bella's (unless she removes her shield thing). He is also super rich. And how can I forget, his skin sparkles in the sunlight and is extremely pale.

So, how to imitate that? Well I suppose I can always bleach my skin super white to match the paleness (or get really really sick), or I can confine myself to living in darkness for a few months. I am not sure how to get my skin super cold, short of a cryogenic accident similar to what occurred to Mr. Freeze, although I can have ice at the ready to make them cold. I am also sure I could looks up ways to not have skin smooth, but unnaturally hard. Maybe cover my body with sandpaper? No problem there. As far as strength goes, going the gym will definitely help. But if movies have taught us anything, is what robotic implements are for, like Will Smith had in I Robot and get super strength that way, or like Bionic woman. I could get bitten by spider in a nuclear power plant too. Speed is also included in those calculations. I don't think I can soon learn to read minds, so I'll have to take a few courses in reading body language and see how that helps. But that also gives me the advantage so I can see how boring the girl I am taking out thinks of me really. As for the car, well, short of robbing a bank or inventing something, my fourteen year old car will have to do. It's certainly not as fast or sturdy, but, I'll work something out. As far as the eye color goes, I am sure contacts can help me there. As far as sparkling skin, maybe there is a soap that will give my skin a sheen, or maybe I can apply wax to it, so the sun reflects of me. I could also try tattooing or gluing glitter ink at various spots in my body to get that affect as well.
That should hopefully get the physical side of Edward down.

Now as far as the romantics goes, going off of memory here, I have to ignore any girl who is friendly to me, even to the extent of shaking in murderous rage to try not to kill her if she is sitting next to me. I will also skip town for a few days with the sole purpose of not wanting to do her bodily harm. I will allow my pale sheen and natural charisma charm other ladies but not be aware of it. I shall also glare at a distance and be on a constant watch for danger to save the fair lady from. I will then make continuous comments on how radiant she is and how she is far more prettier than any other girl, and that it is because she smells like the most tantalizing piece of steak ever made that I pay so much attention to her. Before dating her or really even getting to know her, I will watch her from her window while she sleeps, I will also follow her when she goes out with her friends because I know she is idiotic enough to go out by herself and get attacked.
I will make constant comments about how her life is in danger by being around me, that if I lose my temper or go out of control, I could very easily kill her. I will also ask about every single little fact about her life, as if it is an obsession, but not care that the girl only asks what it is like being different (or a vampire in Edward's case.)

So, I think that has covered everything. If there is something I have missed, let me know, because with this information, I will surely become the ultimate ladies man.

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