Monday, August 25, 2008

The most Heinous of Crimes.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I stand here today accused of the most heinous of crimes, the most awful of deeds; Of playing the emotions of these two innocent young ladies Kitty and Lydia. (points go to those who figure out where those names are from)

This sad sordid tale begins the week previous to this one; I had arranged a time with my sister Sally to drive down to Ephraim and pick her up for a family event in Tooele this weekend. During the course of this conversation, Sally mentioned that she has a large number of roommates due to the fact that she lives in a large house complex, and at the end of the call I mischievously mentioned that I would flirt with many of her roommates upon my arrival. A day or two later Sally called saying that Kitty coincidentally needed some help with her computer. I leaped at this opportunity to lay my snares and tried to help her, but when no further help could be given, we conversed "innocently" for a few minutes. Also mentioned by both Sally and Kitty is that another roommate, Lydia, desired to converse with me as well. I knew at that moment I had successfully laid the groundwork for the horrendous crime for which I am accused.

Two days passed, and before I left my apartment the morning of the second day, I called Sally to inform her to give my number to Kitty and Lydia so we could text each other, mistakenly assuming that they had decided to take me up on my statement to flirt with them, but using the idea of friendship and sincere conversation as a front for my unscrupulous plan. Sally was innocently beguiled and gave me Kitty's number and we continued the conversation from when last we conversed, via text message. Near the beginning of those texts, Kitty sent me Lydia's number, repeating that Lydia desired to converse with me. And here is when the heinous crime begins, my descent into madness if you will, as I began to text them both at the same time. I know, you can say it, it was quite horrible of me, so many rules of conduct violated, so many decencies trampled upon, it must be hard to keep an unbiased view of me and my actions, but for the sake of justice, it must be done.

So, members of the jury, as I conversed with the two of them at the same time, I continued my conversation with Kitty about dances, my top hat, stuff like that, while shamefully flirting with Lydia at the same time via text message. This egregious behavior continued for a few hours, until the pair at one point or another became aware of what had been transpiring. At that very moment they saw the truth for what it was, saw that I was unscrupulously playing with their heart strings and decided to rightfully and judiciously accuse me of that vile wrongdoing, that illicit activity of playing the part of a true born player. At that moment I saw that the gig was up, and like the slimy, worthless man that I am, I attempted to apologize for my wrong doing, unsure at how they could leap to such truthful assumptions at such amazing speed, attempting to get in their good graces once again. Thankfully these innocent, pure young ladies saw through my lies, Kitty in fact had such amazing foresight as to have seen my insidious plot for what it was from the very beginning and revealed to me that they in fact were playing me like the foolish scumbag I am, as righteous objection to the wrongdoing that I had executed.

At that point I scrambled, for they had exposed me, and I saw the lies and misdeeds surrounding me. Lydia seemed to sense my desperation, my introspection into my horrid soul and unhesitatingly apologized for being rude, justly laying blame on a bad relationship that she had barely escaped from and honestly hoped that we could at the very least continue as friends. I recognized that moment for what it was, an in, an opportunity to get close to her heart, and called her. Thankfully Lydia is such a good judge of character, that when I began to speak, she saw the deception that I was about to spin and rightfully accused me of being a player and promptly hung up, so she would not be deceived by my false promises of hope and friendship.

Days passed, and yet I afflicted myself at how to enact my bitter revenge, at how to get back at the two righteous young ladies who had scorned me. It soon came to me that I could enrage them by sending them an insulting comic strip. It worked like a charm, the jab at their high moral character not only succeeded, but it only brought an additional bonus sparking justifiable hatred towards me. During a conversation with Sally, that point was brought to bear that Kitty did hate me, but instead of ignoring it or responding with kindness or witty humor, I responded cruelly and heartlessly to Kitty that I loved her too. This, along with my prior misdeeds, spread to other roommates and one such roommate whose name I never learned(out of safety from the dangers of associating with one such as myself no doubt) brought up the unfaltering accusation of me being a liar and trying to hide the evidence of those vile misdeeds.

So you see ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am the villain in this story, I have perpetuated that vile misdeed and played this game, striking the fair damsels Kitty and Lydia to the center, degrading their pure and innocent character. This vile misdeed that has left a foul bitter aftertaste of righteous hatred towards me in their mouths, that comes with association with one such as I, one whose villainy and falsehoods runs long and wide, cannot be tolerated in the smallest instance. It cannot go unpunished lest I strike out again and text two other girls at the same time or escalate the crime to include a third or even a fourth victim.
So, I ask of you members of the jury, what verdict do you assign to me for the unspeakable crime of texting two young ladies that I barely know at the same time? What punishment would you sentence me that would steer me to righteous paths and reformation to become a productive member of society?

Members of the Jury, the time is now yours. What is your verdict?




3 comments:

yellow m&m said...

The names, of course, come from Pride & Prejudice, one of the most famous romance novels out there. And, of course, you're not innocent or guilty. You're a guy. And that explains everything. Those girls must not have noticed...strange.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

Orb360 is one of those who chose other, in his words said that he chose other because draw and quarter was not an option

MasterFlirter said...

Well Done!! my vote is cast, I sentence Sam to community service! let him give lessons to crazy girls who need to understand that flirting does not imply a relationship, but is a simple part of single life! this misdeed must not be unpunished! Sam is sentenced to flirt horribly with many women! That should be justice.