Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Growing up I should have picked up on it sooner, I mean it was staring me right in the face but I didn't connect the dots until last week and then it all made sense. I mean when a guy in a heavy accent who refers to himself as Boris asking for my sister Natasha (Whose name isn't Natasha by the way) You think that maybe there is some ongoing school project, or it's an inside joke with a friend, never mind the long distance calls, the strange packages for her, letters written in a language that looked Russian and oddly timed departures with friends to do who knows what.

Of course I just thought she was weird; heck I'm the oldest brother, don't most brothers think their sisters are weird at that age?

But then it all connected last week when she was telling me about a dream she had. She dreampt that all five of us kids were together and that for some reason or another I accused her, in the dream, that she would be the most likely to betray us and be a traitor and she asked me what I thought about it; clearly thinking it was an innocent enough question. But with that question all the pieces fell into place and I knew what it all meant. My sister is a Soviet-Russian spy.

There was no other explanation, and when asking her about it I clearly saw the brief look of panic as she realized the impossible; that I knew her secret. She of course denied any activity of engaging in espionage with foreign countries, but I knew better.

Immediately upon learning the truth, I thought I would best warn my parents of my sister's traitorous behavior. I sent a quick text to my father saying that his beloved daughter was actually a spy. Though I expected some exclamation, some grief, some incredulousness, I was not prepared for his response.

When his response returned my heart sunk with horror upon reading the words, "That's cool, I want to be one too."

Clearly she had gotten to him long ago, softening him up with soviet propaganda, filling his head with lies. I knew not what to believe. Upon sharing my revelation with my younger brother I soon realized how deep the treachery went, cause he constantly defended her, saying that it wasn't possible that our sister was spy. But the most odd was that at bits and pieces his accent changed slightly, and his arguments seemed highly practiced to be some on the spot defense. I knew that he must be a spy too.

Of course the government doesn't believe me; I have no evidence, nothing to justify what I already know.

So it is my shame to report that my family are Soviet Russian spies. If I don't make it past the next two days, I hope one of you can do me this one favor. If I die I will transmit my last moments with them before they kill me to a wireless device hidden inside a locker in the airport. The key and instructions to get to the locker are hidden in the tower of my desktop above the dvd drive.

I wish you all the best, for it may already be too late.

1 comment:

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

And this is based on a relatively true story in that my sister did have a dream of me accusing her that she would betray us (And take the ring to Sauron?) And it's true that I accuse her of being a Soviet spy, and it's true that however in jest my father did say he wanted to be a spy too.

We Crazy!