Saturday, May 1, 2010


Maybe fear is the incorrect word, but what else would you call something that you knew would come, that you knew you would enjoy, that you know you will enjoy when it comes. But now as the coming is nigh or approaches, you begin to fear that maybe you don't want that thing. You begin to doubt yourself, doubting the wanting or the desire in the first place.

Maybe it is a type of terror? A terror that looms and makes you feel inadequate, a terror that makes you feel not ready or worthy for the responsibility to come. Something to make you want to hide your head in the sand.

But come it will. Though doubt and fear gnaw, perhaps it is the knowing, the knowing that I should, the knowing that there is no reason not to. The knowing of happiness, that will carry one along. Maybe.

Maybe it is only a fear, and nothing more. Something silly, something crazy, spawned in my own mind. Unsure. What more is there?

I guess the only answer is to step up bravely and continue as always planned. And hope that it is only a fear.

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