Royal Weddings

Society confuses me. All this excitement over Prince Williams' wedding is one of those things that confuses me.

I mean, I get why Britain is all excited about the royal wedding; it is inherent in their culture. They have always had kings, they have always had royalty. Even if their royalty are figure-heads, they are an important part of their culture and history. And so the British citizen will be happy for Prince Williams, and will be super excited.

What I don't get is, why are Americans excited about this wedding? Most Americans don't follow them, most Americans probably don't know Prince Williams tried serving as a soldier in Afghanistan, and had to stop because his cover was blown and his unit would be a juicy target if he didn't leave.

Apart from him serving in the armed forces; why should I care about his wedding? Or Jessica Simpson's, or any other celebrity? I don't know them, they don't know me. And honestly, it is probably a pain to air all the wedding details for everyone to know.

What I am saying, and to be rude, but their plans are none of my business. Cool, they're getting married. Huzzah. But beyond that, why on earth should I care?

Or for pop star celebrities like Jessica Simpson, why does her wedding matter to anyone? Yes, people like her as an actress and will be excited to hear that she is married... But a lot of people seem to be obsessed with it. And I just don't get it.

Why do we need to know what ring they got, how they were proposed to, and whatever else information? It doesn't matter. Truly, it doesn't.

And so I am here ranting, because people seem to be more excited than they should be.

What is freedom

I was looking at the drafts of posts that I had not published and I found this is just a snippet of a conversation that I had with Wally the Third from February of 2009. So yes, I fail in publishing it, but now is a good time. Enjoy.

Wally says: Dood
Sam says: How are you?
Wally says: Good you?
Sam says: Doing very well
Wally says: Good, victim man
Sam says: Victim man?
Sam says: Cause I have a girlfriend?
Wally says: yup
Wally says: Sucka
Sam says: Perhaps
Wally says: You are
Sam says: And you're not a victim of being single?
Wally says: Nope, Single and proud.
Sam says: Why is that?
Wally says: Because I can be
Sam says: Ah. Well I am dating and proud.
Wally says: Too bad
Sam says: Why is that?
Sam says: Having a girl to cuddle with and kiss... I'm  not sure that's a bad thing
Wally says: Yes it is
Sam Says: How come it is a bad thing?
Wally says: When they start a nagging and expecting you to wait on them.
Wally says: You will see
Sam says: I have already learned my place in the world and serve them naturally, so they don't have to nag.
Wally says: Sucka
Wally says: That is not your place!!!
Sam says: It isn't?
Wally says: Grr
Wally says: Disgrace
Sam says: Nah, I am just embracing what is bound to happen sooner or later anyway
Wally says: Not to me
Sam says: Cause you'll never marry?
Wally says: I will not wait on another person
Wally says: Selfish women
Sam says: I don't call it waiting on them, I call it doting on them with love.
Wally says: Trapped already
Wally says: Have fun with that
Sam says: Hey, I know my place, I won't be trying to rebel or anything. They are queens to us you know, we ought to treat them so.

Wally says: That is what they want you to think
Wally says: They are Evil!!!
Sam says: lol, Well I am lost then.
Sam says: Consider me a casualty in this great war then
Wally says: That is why I called you a victim
Sam says: Ah. I understand. And Katie is laughing at the snippets of conversation that I copy and paste over to her.
Wally says: Who's that?
Sam says: The girl I am dating
Sam says: Who says that she very well could be evil.
Wally says: She is.
Wally says: All women are.
Sam says: Then I long to learn of their evil ways.

Wally says: Sure, Go ahead. Your loss.
Sam says: What do I have to gain by fighting their tyranny?
Wally says: I will standby and watch, slave boy. And laugh
Sam says: What have you gained in your efforts to avoid them?
Wally says: Freedom
Sam says: And what has that freedom gained you?
Wally says: The freedom to not wait on selfish girls. Or to be a part of their stupid mind games
Sam says: But what if you  meet a girl who doesn't play mind games or isn't selfish?
Wally says: ...Or to always be the one who is wrong
Wally says: I have yet to see that
Sam says: That is just the natural order of things. You have to accept that
Wally says: Then she's probably shallow. So there.
Sam says: Or guys are naturally wrong
Wally says: Nope.
Wally says: Your manhood is close to its end if you believe that.
Sam says: So what should be the natural order of things then?
Wally says: Man and women should want to serve each other. They should be equal
Sam says: Of course, I am merely doing my part of the serving.
Sam says: So you have yet to find a girl who believes that then?
Wally says: The man should be able to express themselves. Just as women should. And do.
Sam says: So you are waiting for a woman who believes that?
Sam says: How will you meet and know her if you judge everything on a glance she gives you in the beginning?
Wally says: Who says I am waiting for a woman?
Sam says: Looking for a woman then
Wall says I will never find one like that.
Sam says: Are you sure?
Wally says: Yeah
Sam says: How come?
Wally says: They are all either shallow, selfish, unattractive or mean
Wally says: Or more than one of the above
Sam says: Which you gather without really getting to know them
Wally says: Nope. I have ears. And eyes. It isn't hard to see...

Suffice to say, Wally is now married. Which makes this even funnier.

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

Dear Anonymous E-mailer,

I received your message, or rather your proposition. Seeing as you used some totally bogus e-mail address to write to me, you leave me no other choice but to respond here. Maybe the only clue from the e-mail as to who you are is that you have a Verizon Wireless Blackberry (It appears to be from an automatic signature, but may not necessarily be so) but that doesn't matter, nor do I have any desire to start polling people to find out who has a blackberry with Verizon. It just won't do any good.

Now I can understand where you're coming from, I'm on the market, I'm available, so why not start dating the person you suggested? But that of course is only implied in what you said, your real argument is in the one and only sentence in the e-mail, that says: "She's totally got the hots for you." Yeah, I get what you're saying, there's a cute girl who I get along with alright, we're pretty good friends, and she has the hots for me apparently, so why shouldn't I go out with her?

I mean, it seems a valid enough reason to go out with a girl right? I mean, what rational guy wouldn't go for something like that? (For the record, I am anything but rational) But, no offense to the girl with whom you wish me to date, I digress and admit that most likely such a thing will not occur.

Now you, and probably the girl in question are most likely wondering why, why I won't go out with her. Well, I'll answer you in this!:

Nanti's Guide As to Why You, or Anyone Else, Should Not Date Him

1. Think of the Children. I'm not really responsible to take care of them, in fact they'd probably grow up to be punk anarchists bent on bringing civilization to it's knee's, regardless of how good their mother is. And with the girl in question, well the odds are highly likely that we'd raise our kids to be ruthless dictators bent on conquering the world.


2. I'm Crazy. No, really. Ask anyone. I am totally bonkers. That may be one reason why the girl in question has the supposed 'hots' for me, that she's attracted to strange creepers, such as I, but that's not really healthy for any kind of relationship really.


3. My Asthma. Yes I do have asthma. Heavy laughter actually triggers it. I'm likely to die in my early thirties because of asphyxiation due to a collapsed lung while laughing, and with the young lady in question, I'd probably die before I hit 27. And no one needs the grief of indirectly killing me. Unless of course you are after my vast fortune, which coincidentally doesn't exist. I guess I could be down with that.


4. On a somewhat logical note, I am taking independent study courses, and behind in the schedule I have set for myself. I don't really have to time to really dedicate to any type of relationship.


5. I have no job at the moment. This doesn't bode well for any relationship. So I have no shiny monies to which pamper the girl in question. Or even take her out. I guess she could pay, but she undoubtedly has plans for all that well-gotten gain. Who am I to let her spend it on me?


6. Summer plans. The girl in question has summer plans of one sort or another, so even a Mormon summer fling would be out. (Not that I would have one anyway.) I will still have my independent study courses and hopefully a job, so I'll be busy.


7. Monastic Vows. Due to recent events, I've decided to find a monastery that will permit me to go out on dates with the female variety, but not steadily date them. So once that order of monks is found, any relationship will surely interfere with my monastic duties.


8. Personal Issues. Things such as procrastinating, low self esteem and other such things make for a boring guy. I'd hate to bore anyone by being a stick in the mud


9. Destiny. I've checked, the stars are against any such union, with anyone. It is written in the stars for me to be a single bachelor for the foreseeable future. Going against the stars will surely bring about Ragnarok, the Apocalypse and every other end-of-the-world prediction; all working in union and harmony for maximum destruction. It would make most people unhappy if such were to occur.


10. Cause a little birdie told me not to. How much more of a reason do I need?


11. My alternate personality likes raw fish, is an introvert and likes jewelry, specifically gold rings forged in volcanoes. It wouldn't work, trust me.


12. I am a soulless abomination. Ok, maybe I'm not an abomination, yet. But I am soulless. It was placed in a flask and whisked away by a small four year old girl, who has taken it who knows where. This will surely create conflicts in the years to come.


13. Zombies. I'm not sure why zombies don't want me to date anyone, but they don't. It's best to not ask questions

So there you have it, at least twelve reasons why you shouldn't date me. If you need more, ask Chilly. She can probably think of a lot more reasons as to why not go out with me, so if you don't trust my word, I call her as a witness to my madness if needs be.
So in short, don't do it. You'll be a lot more happy and healthier without going out with me, and that's a fact. Even the surgeon general recommends avoiding such things with me, and would you want to go against the suggestions of a such a highly regarded health professional? I thought not.

What to do, what to do?

The moment goes, it passes. The stare, the furtive glance, not once but a few times, but why?

What did it happen? Do I know why? Was it because I was trying to be fair? It passed, it happened, so what? What changes? Has anything changed? How can a simple question be so haunting?

Was it lack of self control, was it because we both wanted to?

I mean, what do I mean? If all it was to me was nothing at all? Why do I feel so guilty? Is it cause I know I took a wedge to make a crack bigger? Were my intentions all good, or were they carnal as well? So much to think on, so much to consider.

My thoughts, reflecting on it all... reflecting on old tv shows were to them it meant nothing at all. Wondering if that is how I truly felt. Feeling a tad guilty. Wondering, wondering and not sure how to carry on.

Oh what to do.

The answer: Live in a monastery of course. It's the only acceptable thing to do. The monks will be glad though that there is not enough money for marriage though.

My Best Picture

You know how a few months back I posted a picture of me in a top hat? Well the picture that I am about to post is probably my sexiest, most handsome picture ever. I won't be surprised if all my female readers fall instantly in love with me just because of how cute and irresistible I am in the picture below.

You see, I was at home this weekend and my parents had dug out some old photos, and I decided I was going to scan it, only I forgot and I called my brother to do it. So sometime later I'll replace the photo with a color picture when my family figures out how to scan color photos. But I have decided to show you that at one point in time, I was indeed cuter than Brad Pitt himself.


So yes, this is me at my prime when I was ten years old or so, leaning on the basketball. Now... well, now I am old, blind and complain about going to school and home uphill both ways. Elder Fields is the one on his knees, and that little four or five year who looks absolutely thrilled is Dan. And yes ladies, he is available! He turned 16 in April and has yet to go on a date, so if any of you have any interested younger sisters, we'll see if we can't set up some double/group date sort of thing.

Does he know I am plugging him shamelessly? Nope. Not at all. Does it matter? Not so much. But I can tell you he is an intelligent, funny, witty young man, so if you have young sisters who would like to go on a date with a sixteen year old Adonis, just let me know.

If not, well you young ladies all know at least what our male children would look like. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is.


I am of course entirely kidding; I don't expect to be married until my early nineties. You remember that Episode of Boy Meets World where Shawn turns Feeny's home into a temporary Bed and Breakfast and the honeymoon couple turns out be be a couple in their nineties? That's me. Of course, our children will still be devilishly handsome.

The weekly laugh

Once again XKCD has caused me to laugh. I mean, who knew four individuals could mess up so much doctrine by one simple action.

I wonder if doing that merits going to outer darkness... Sure they're not denying the holy ghost, that's true, but does capturing Him constitute as sinning against the Holy Ghost? I just don't know...

As far as laughs go, Yellow M&M and I (I remembered to use good grammar this time, HA!) were at Bob's house last night. Bob's little sister Siri was being her crazy loveable little girl self that she always is, and was saying crazy things while we attempted conversation in between. So Bob asks Siri who she thought that she (Bob) would marry, and Siri points right at me. That got us laughing pretty well, and then Bob asked Siri who she thought that Yellow M&M would marry. And again I was pointed to.
So without further ado, let it be announced to all the world, through royal decree of the untiring Siri, sister of Bobtheenchantedone, that polygamy has be re-established into the world. There can be no argument, for such trivialities will only be deflected by her child like innocence, that, which combined with her defense, leaves all dumbfounded, speechless and shaking to the point of uncontrollable laughter.

So.. yeah.

In other news, Yellow M&M is fast becoming an expert swordswoman, she's attended the Fencing club a few times and is doing alright. Now for the shameless plug; when the semester starts again in September, Fencing Club is Tuesday nights 7-8:30 in the Wilk, come and learn to fence!

I will also post a picture or two of me in fencing gear, courtesy of M&M.

OH! and Majide is hilarious. A Japanese game show that just ended. Sadness that I missed most of the season.

Marriage, True love, as if.

The past two days I have not been myself. I'd been, well emotionally cut off from the world. Not caring at all really. Anyways, I am back, there is no need to fear... Well there is plenty of reason to fear, mainly because I am back.

Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with the title. First off, nothing at all. Second, I can't do the accents right from Princess Bride, so that little humor has been eliminated. Alas, such is life.

But why talk of something so strange, so abhorrent as marriage? I mean it is not as if I am dating anyone or am involved with anyone, or will be anytime soon. But sadly those arguments fail against the insistence of Wally. At first I assumed his mind had gone mad, after all, he refuses to date the enemy, which to him just so happens to be all females. But something was amiss, something that I could not place my finger on, and could not merely assume it to be the teasings of an old friend. But tonight my dear readers, I learned the truth, I learned of his deceitful plan. Most would deem it too harrowing to tell, but I must. You see, he plans to use the distractions of the wedding reception to take objects of every day value and use them *shudder* to graffiti the Tin Can Mobile, my car, with marriage decor. Do you not see his dastardly plan? And as more time passes, the more preparation he has, and so I have not a moment to lose, because the Tin Can Mobile's integrity must be preserved I say! It must!

Yes, I know what you're all thinking, just wait a few years to get married, and Wally will have forgotten about the threat. But that is what he wants us to think, that will give him more preparation; considering he will be a computer/mechanical engineer of great talent in the near future.

So how do I propose to win you say? By beating him at his own game, and getting married before December!* That is the only way, but I need a victim lady to agree... I first conferred with the Giant, but unfortunately I doubt that Lilian, the great Rocket Scientist, would be able to find time in her hectic schedule to aid me against the malevolent Wally, and lets just say that such a proposition made to Lilian's sister got her running in the opposite direction, clutching her stomach.

But, as I sit here and meditate on who who could aid me, I realize the qualities that I will need from my partner: the need for secrecy, hidden talents, a deadly smile, a mighty wit, and the most exuberant sense of humor (needed by you reading too, that's right, YOU) that the world has ever known. An army of younger siblings is appealing as well. So as I pondered on the possibilities, only one person came to mind, only one person could help me defeat Wally the Third through the bonds of holy matrimony.

Who is it? Bob. That is right, you heard me. Bob.

And so I ask you dearest Bob, will you come to my aid against the vile Wally; whose evilness is just a blip on the spectrum of vilehood, whose mischievousness is entrenched in all would be friends of the groom and whose threat is only paralleled by the mighty ladybug on a fresh spring morning.

And so I ask; Bob, Will you marry me?




I mean, it worked for the Scarlet Pimpernel when he fought the French right? Surely it could happen again.



*DISCLAIMER: The author of this blog claims no responsibility for those who read this entry as literal. Those who read this entry literally will be in danger of being handed over to a pack of Norwegian Ridgebacks for failure to recognize the intended humor of said entry. The author also does not confirm if being up at such a late hour has affected his reasoning, but it is the most probable. Although, the author also admits that if there is a female concerned with victory against the foul Wally, such help will not be denied, so long as said female states an oath acknowledges that she understands the humor in this entry, and also recognizes that there is no love in the authors heart for her. Only laughter. That will lead to another asthma attack someday. But yes, much laughter is all that is in the author's heart. Except for blood. And white blood cells. And maybe something else. Or the author is really a cyborg in disguise. And maybe the author should have headed to bed by now. He is clearly insane, you might want to commit him before it is too late. No? Well don't blame me when the author plots with two lab mice to take over the world, I'm just the disclaimer. I mean, it's not like anyone listens to me. Seventh graders just throw me away without properly looking at me on the first day of school...